vPraise Interfaith & Intercultural Forums - Blogs

Hope and Hopelessness

Brother Dan — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 05:03:44 GMT

Brothers and Sisters,
In a time of darkness, sometimes we realize it is simply a shift of focus that makes us aware that the light is beaming on us.

This reflection was spurred by reading my friend Mel's helpful and courageous observations and advice on suicidal impulses and how seeing the pattern in how they emerge is a helpful step on one's healing path: http://community.beliefnet.com/journ...28139#comments

Last night, in deep conversation with a close friend of mine, as she pushed me on a strong feeling that had emerged in myself, I found myself first locating the feeling in my chest, then as she pushed feeling really messed up and ill (still a physical sensation), and then seeing a yawning bottomless pit open beneath my feet. As I teetered on it I knew that it was my hopelessness and grief, a very young experience that had been undergirding my felt adult need for connection. Although she then drew me quickly away from this experience, I realized afterwards that I could've dropped into the pit without harm because of the very strong experience and knowledge I have that I am not alone: nothing can separate me from my parent, lover and friend's love. I am still chewing on this pain and vulnerability that emerged last night, or should I say WE are but I also know that it was only a few years ago one winter's night, that I strongly considered walking into the river near my place, and allowing the cold dark waters to pull me down into oblivion. Elements of the pattern Mel describes were present such as making things easier for everyone, especially myself, by just disappearing. Since then, I've been blessed by many key insights, so that now, facing the real depth of my pain, loneliness and hopelessness no longer overwhelms me, but simply brings me for healing to the One who loves and holds me.

I still remember when it first dawned up on me just how much Jesus suffered while he was here. As if it wasn't enough growing up a bastard in a conservative religious society, he also came to realize that he was fulfilling God's promise of sending a "suffering servant" to his people as found in Isaiah 53:

2 He grew up before him like a tender shoot,
and like a root out of dry ground.
He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him,
nothing in his appearance that we should desire him.

3 He was despised and rejected by men,
a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering.
Like one from whom men hide their faces
he was despised, and we esteemed him not.

4 Surely he took up our infirmities
and carried our sorrows,
yet we considered him stricken by God,
smitten by him, and afflicted.

5 But he was pierced for our transgressions,
he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was upon him,
and by his wounds we are healed.

6 We all, like sheep, have gone astray,
each of us has turned to his own way;
and the LORD has laid on him
the iniquity of us all.

7 He was oppressed and afflicted,
yet he did not open his mouth;
he was led like a lamb to the slaughter,
and as a sheep before her shearers is silent,
so he did not open his mouth.

Can you imagine believing that you were called to live this? Those who understand Hebrew tell us that the "hiding their faces" part of the prophesy was referring to him being so badly beaten that it was too upsetting to look at him. The fact that this kind of suffering was a calling he embraced affected me very deeply: I was in tears for a long time, and for quite some time any time I thought about this passage or worse read it aloud, I would again be in tears. Today, I know that our creator suffers with us, just as a parent suffers with his/her children: we are held with tremendous compassion, love and wisdom as we suffer.

But it is in relationship that we can experience such realities. When God is a distant idea, or we have reason to be upset with or reject God, then we are blocked from experiencing this love and care. Whatever our faith tradition, we know that it is our focus that increases or decreases our suffering. When all we are experiencing is our pain, sorrow, grief, hopelessness, worthlessness, etc., than ending it all can start to make sense. But when we wake up and realize that we are immersed in "the one in whom we live and move and have our being," that our creator loves us her/his own children, then our problems become much easier to handle, to surrender.

Although I've had much support in life for experiencing our creator as a loving parent, only a year ago it became particularly personal. I had been on a long retreat, time out of society, that left me free to focus on walking with God as never before. One day I was feeling a bit out of sorts but not paying attention to it when the now familiar voice said to me, "So how are you?" I replied "fine" only to be again asked, "So how are you?" I again replied "Fine thank you" and was interrogated a third time at which point, pushed to introspection I admitted that I was feeling anxious, perhaps anxious about being accepted or loved. The divine voice invited me to lie down and relax: to slip into a meditative state and as I did so began to sing: "Rock-a-bye baby on the tree top, when the wind blows the cradle will rock, when the bow breaks the cradle will fall and I will hold Danny, safe in my arms." The loving divine voice went on tenderly to say, "Danny you were dropped for a time when you were very young: your mother loved you and so do I but you couldn't know that at the time. Now I want you to know that I will always be with you. Whenever you cry Abba I will be right there to answer you Danny." And so a healing phase of my relationship with my loving parent creator began.

We are each unique, we will each experience significant relationships differently, including our relationship with God/Divine. However, it is my experience that those who seek will find, those who want to connect with a loving parent, with the one in whom we live and move and have our being, with "the force" or whatever symbol provides them access to the ONE, those who want to connect will be met in their own way in their own time.

So when times are dark, when the pain or hopelessness seems overwhelming, remember that when you turn to look for the light (shifting your focus) you will always find it, for it is always beaming on you.

Grace and blessings on your path

your brother Dan

The journey continues: companions in the valley

Brother Dan — Sat, 03 Jan 2009 04:36:25 GMT

I've had the mixed blessing of friends, all of whom motivated by concern for my well-being, as they "minister" to me in their own inimitable fashions: one is hammering me repeatedly about my lack of responsible planning when I consider myself led by the Spirit, being gently blown about without a clear idea of where I'm going or what the plan is; one is questioning my dispassionate distance and servant attitude, telling me I should be more assertive, take care of myself more, and at the same time sure that I'm a seething pot of rage; and then there are two who are increasingly dancing with me (virtually) in a dance of blessing and being blessed, as we vulnerably expose our mistakes and weaknesses, as well as our vision and commitments with much generous and compassionate support, and in so doing are part of each other's continuing emergence and walk with God.

I finally let myself be alone this evening, after watching a movie that is, after a holiday of running around, helping others, being with others, keeping myself on the go from morning to night. Finally I let myself be alone. Part of the inspiration for so doing, for not putting on another movie was this Hafiz poem posted today by Soular_Energy, one of these Beliefnet friends:

He made my eyes so soft

Don't

Surrender

Your loneliness so quickly.

Let it cut more

Deep.

Let it ferment and season you

As few human

Or even divine ingredients can.

Something missing in my heart tonight

Has made my eyes so soft,

My voice so

Tender,

My need of God

Absolutely

Clear.

~Hafiz~

And so in the quiet, a quiet made safe by that presence which is always holding me, and yet a painful silence of memories of mistakes, memories of people I've hurt, realizations of things not yet done that need doing, realizations of hidden motivations, unfaced fears; much came bubbling up and tumbling out in a long period of reverie. Afterwards I quietly did a mess of dishes that had been piling up for days, and as I cleaned I listened to the CBC Radio One programs through which God continued blessing me this evening.

Most important was the scholar talking about Hagar, the woman whom God rescued in her distress, who herself named God as the one who saw her distress. Thus was born a new tradition of the God of the outcast, of the God who personally cares for those poorly treated by society. And yet it is from these chosen ones that God makes himself known to the world, to those who are "sick," who know their need.

My year is starting off then with signals of an intensification of the Holy Spirit's refining/healing work in my life, and in the life of my friends who with open hearts are vulnerably sharing themselves as we walk forward together.

As such then I continue in my walk

Blessing and blessed
Giving and receiving
Holding and being held

Grace and blessings for you in your journeys with the "One"

Your brother Dan

The pain of Christmas and "the reason for the season"

Brother Dan — Sat, 27 Dec 2008 16:56:52 GMT

In reading the Christmas posts of two of the women I respect most, Desert Sutra and Soular_Energy, ( http://community.beliefnet.com/journ...t_id/945/27599 and http://community.beliefnet.com/journ...27511#comments ) I find myself blessed as I resonate with their evocative pain-filled prose, for I also experience loss, sorrow, grief and angst at Christmas. But despite these resonances I find myself struggling to say, "But there's more than this!" As one who has crested the waves of ecstasy with Hafiz and Rumi, as one who has experienced the breakthrough of an enlightenment experience, as one who has been baptized in the Holy Spirit, and as one who found his new path in all his interactions to be both giving and receiving healing, blessing and encouragement, I find myself yet grateful this season despite the pain.

When Mary said yes to God's request that she bear his son, though yet a virgin, she knew that despite God's reassurance that he was with her, that this was going to be hard. She knew that either Joseph, her fianc�, or her family, could have her stoned for adultery. So her saying yes to God immediately put her at odds with the rest of society and her religion. We know that God was as good as his word, ensuring that Joseph was onside, but giving birth in a stable was no blessing either, believe you me. The flight to Egypt then not only got them away from Herod's soldiers, but gave them some respite from the scorn and judgments of those who knew them. But nonetheless, Jesus grew up a bastard in a very conservative religious society.

So Jesus, "the reason for the season," grew up stigmatized, never fitting into mainstream society, yet of course prodigiously gifted. It is thus no surprise from the human point of view, that like his father in heaven, he identified with and ministered healing to the marginalized, the sick, the wounded of his society. Despite the power that so evidently flowed from him, the grace he carried, he offended the good people of his day, the religious leaders, because he was emphatically "not of this world" but hung out with the social outcasts of his day. You see religious institutions and religious leaders themselves are inescapably compromised by "the world" - that is, politics, prestige, and public opinion end up adulterating the divine revelation of which they see themselves being custodians.

But what sustained Jesus in his mission, in his walk with his disciples, in his confrontations with religious authorities, what sustained him was his personal, intimate relationship with our creator whom he called Abba (Aramaic for Dadda or Momma if you will). In fact he was so identified with Abba, that he could say to his disciples, "If you have seen me you have seen the father," and he could say to the crowds, "Before Abraham was, "I AM." Jesus did not come to create a religion, Jesus came to make disciples, who in turn, once sufficiently matured, trained and themselves baptized in the Holy Spirit would then themselves make disciples. In so doing, not to mention what was accomplished by his sacrifice of himself, he opened the way for people anywhere, anytime to become like him: to discover that relationship to our creator, to drop everything else to follow him, to be filled with the Holy Spirit and over time be transformed into his likeness, that is to become one with our loving creator parent.

So what does all this have to do with the pain of the Christmas season? Well, first of all, one reason for the pain is that Christmas is a human celebration of family, in fact it is a very worldly affair, one that pretty much obscures who Jesus was, and what he was about. For those of us who, like Jesus, do not fit into mainstream society, we are confronted with our "not fitting", with the losses, griefs, regrets, etc., that are all part and parcel of our marginalized identities. But we've also had at least a taste of the love, joy, peace and ecstasy that comes from finding our creator, finding ourselves to be his/her special and beloved little children. As we go under, overwhelmed by the pain of our particular "not fitting" identities and dysfunctional situations, we do so because of how much we are immersed in this worldly festival, losing touch with who we really are! But this too will pass . . . as our loving creator supports us through it all and brings us out on the other side, where perhaps finally, we will again look up and see the radiance of his/her love beaming down on us, surrounding us, reminding us of who we really are, and holding us gently as we walk this good earth.

Peace and blessings in the New Year my friends! :)

Our hearts should do this more

Brother Dan — Sat, 27 Dec 2008 04:44:41 GMT

In responding to a journal entry, a trek through a virtual friend of mine's dark night of the soul, her Christmas with her family, I struggled to find the right thing to say, http://community.beliefnet.com/journ...27599#comments

Finally, with a wordless entreaty to the One in whom we live and move and have our being I opened up Hafiz at random.

I am so grateful Lord Holy Spirit for the way you meet our needs with your living word! I see so much that is important to me reflected back to me in these inspired words first breathed and then written many centuries ago: a certain holy carelessness and carefreeness; a certain doggedness in pursuing God despite how down or lonely I might be; and the encouragement "Our hearts should be doing this more."

OUR HEARTS SHOULD DO THIS MORE

I sit in the streets with the homeless

My clothes stained with the wine
From the vineyards the saints tend.

Light has painted all acts
The same color

So I sit around and laugh all day
With my friends.

At night if I feel a divine loneliness
I tear the doors off Love's Mansion

And wrestle God onto the floor.

He becomes so pleased with Hafiz
And says,

"Our hearts should do this more."

I offer this poem then to all those for whom the world does not have the answers, who find themselves still seeking, and yet who find themselves sharing all they have, all they know, as they are given others to walk with, others for whom the world does not have the answers. To those still lost or partially entangled in the distractions and the inducements of the world, still lost or partially entangled in their own indulgences, their own obsessions, their own flight from what is real, from the one in whom we live and move and have our being; I say, "Wake Up, there is a life worth living beyond all this. Come on, come with me, come with us . . ."

"Our hearts should do this more."

news and another chapter in the pigeon story! :)

Brother Dan — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 15:09:05 GMT

So, my ticket is booked, paid for, and I�m on my way to Holland Jan. 15th, on to Accra, Ghana on the 23rd, returning Feb. 28th. Already Stella and I are discussing the development situation in Northern Ghana, from where Fabian and her both come: Lots of alcohol, lots of AIDS, lots of hunger. So I will be "fact finding", networking, and supporting Stella in the development of new projects to help her people. Ethiopia may get added to this trip as things unfold: wherever the Spirit leads is just fine with me!

In the meantime I am walking my way through another transition as 255 Mackay street, otherwise known as Hummingbird House is no longer my home, but rather I now live most of the time in Chelsea, where I am supporting my dear friends Marie and Jan. Another transition as I continue to learn to BE myself, rather than be at this place or that. It's a long road to freedom my friends; the realization of it's possibility is only the beginning! :)

For those whose sense of the divine includes our animal brothers and sisters, I include another chapter in this lovely story -- the rest of which can be found at: http://community.beliefnet.com/journals/sblog_id/5446

William, God and Me.

Mamma and Poppa pigeon are the best parents. Every morning, they arrive back to the balcony and to their not-so-little-anymore fledgling. I peek out of the balcony doors, and wish everyone a good morning. No more 6am 'Oh joy! Oh bliss! You're back Momma and Poppa! Please feed me right NOW or I will surely perish!" alarm clock. The parents cruise back to the nest around 8am, and William, as I have named him (although I believe he may be a Willamina), stays quiet.

He has been practicing his flight lessons more and more every day, flapping his wings in a frenzy; his feet hovering a few inches or so from the ground. He is more adept at smaller flights from the balcony floor to the planter, and flies/hops from one planter to the next. The first time he attempted it, he could not get back into his planter 'nest' and I had thought he had flown the coop - only to find him huddled in a cavelike corner. I assisted him back into the nest, like a good surrogate, only to find him repeat it. After assisting him twice, it dawned on me that this might just be a game - so I let him be. He finds his way back and forth quite well on his own, and likes this sort of hide and seek game on a daily basis now - darting out to assault his Poppa for food several times a day, only to flee afterward back to his cave. It makes me laugh - his poor Poppa bobbing and weaving his little head just out of reach of William's assault - and then William, being tuckered out, and looking more like a stupid chicken, compared to his graceful parents, belining his way back to the cave.

In the chill of the night, after his sister died, I was hypervigilent - I did not wish to bury another little baby. So, for short times, I would bring William inside and let him curl up on my lap. He would squeak a bit, but then settle down as I stroked his back, and rubbed his neck, just under his head. He loved it.

On subsequent evenings, as we extended our little night time visits, he would curl up on the kitchen counter and watch me as I rinsed dishes - he was absolutely fascinated by it. I would give him a drink of water; he would suck it up so easily - and then we would rest on the LazyBoy, him on a towel on my lap and me lightly stroking him - then putting him back outside and whisper night nights. I have white lights on the balcony, and when I turn them off - it is his cue - he quiets and it's bedtime.

He is looking like a pigeon now, except for the few little yellow plumes that stick up on his head, through his adult feathers - like little fuzzy antennas... lol

Because he was bigger, I stopped bringing him in, for a few nights - it's one thing to have a baby on your lap; and quite another to bring a 'bird' into your home.. lol. But he must have missed me, because... well, let me describe the nightly trend, now.

Mamma and Poppa fly the coop - it is approximately 7pm; and dark outside. I turn on the white lights outside, so I can see if William is roaming around; I do this from the LazyBoy, so as not to disturb the outside, but the balcony door is ajar because the apartment gets very warm.

I am watching television, when out of the corner of my eye I see movement. It is about 9pm, and I look to the balcony doors, and there is William... his neck stretched out as far as it will go, little yellow plumes standing up on end on the top of his head, tilting his head back and forth and twisting his neck to get a better view.

I say, "Hello, William" and I hear 'squeak squeak squeak'. I get up from the chair, open the balcony doors and he looks up at me. I change his water, put him back into the nest and go back to my chair. Several minutes later, I hear the fluster of wings and there is his little head and one eye, peering in at me again. I cannot help but laugh. I say, "Okay".

I bring him inside... he is happy to see me and his little wings quiver with delight. I give him some water, place a towel on my lap and set him there. He dances around on the towel, and pecks at my fingers (lightly - pigeons do not bite), so I get a little food (carrying him all the way) and as he feeds from my hand, on my lap, I stroke his back and wings. When he has finished eating, he settles down, and I nuzzle his neck, under his head and his eyes half close. Then, when he's been half lulled to sleep, he suddenly gets up, begins a furious squeak, and with wings flapping, he walks up my chest to perch upon my shoulder. He then lightly pecks at my nose and eyelids.

I am observing this all from an audience perspective, and I am in awe.

Then I realize that there is no towel on my shoulder (the dreaded poop factor!) and so I place a towel upon my shoulder under his butt for the would be accident. My arm is raised while I do this, and William believes that this is his cue to walk along my raised arm, half way between my shoulder and elbow, and begin preening himself.

So there I am, in my LazyBoy... one arm raised, like a scarecrow, while this pigeon perches upon it, raises and fans out his tail feathers so he can make himself look beautiful.

Again, I am laughing.

We cuddle some more. We peck at a few more grains, and sip some more water, have a bit of conversation, and then I take him back out to his bed, turn out the white lights and whisper "night nights, William."

I will miss him when he finally takes flight, but I would never rob him of his freedom. I am only honoured and privileged that he would share his light with me.

In those moments, in the evening... it is love.

Thank you, William.

Thank you, Momma and Poppa.

And most of all, thank you, God.

the call of silence in a busy world

Brother Dan — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 17:53:04 GMT

I have two experiences to share, each with its own insight.

I walked and talked with a woman gifted with seeing the field that we are, a woman who can see what we are unconsciously radiating, a deep form of insight. She is a woman committed to bringing peace and healing wherever she can, a woman on the path so to speak. I asked her what she intuited of me and she responded with two insights. She saw a big knot in my heart area with pointy bits sticking out (we had shared autobiographical stories by this point), and she saw that I was weak, but not necessarily in a bad way (she had been attracted to me the night before as a teacher type, because she goes around supporting teachers/healers who will walk with people by giving them the insight). I responded with what God said to Paul, "in your weakness is my strength perfected."

Then on Friday night I was invited to the Ottawa Buddhist Society's meeting. First I was led into a "listening" 45 minute silent meditation, and then listened to the monk speak about being a monk: I found myself again. Other such findings have included reading Rumi and Hafiz. In this case the finding myself reflected back to me was in hearing him explaining how on the Buddhist path worldly activity loses its charm, and that if we remain in the world our action now generally is directed towards some higher good. I saw in him and in his teachings the right action without being attached to results; the focus on expanding awareness of one's self and the divine, the golden rule, being the peace we are rather than searching for peace, etc. While I am not at all Buddhist in the religious sense, and there were religious observances that framed these experiences, it was comforting to know that such a community of monks existed near Perth, that they had an open door policy, and that I could drop into the world of silence and meditative awareness any time. There is a timelessness about the Buddhist path, about the way these monks are walking, something that resonates deeply within me and my walk with and as Jesus.

I may not write much for the next while, but I am well, I am content with my path, with walking with those with whom I'm gifted to walk.

Grace and blessings,

Your brother Dan

a beautiful, painful cry and a response

Brother Dan — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 16:41:35 GMT

A beliefnet friend of mine posted this poignant reflection on her struggles with depression. My response follows:

interminable
T.S. Eliot's "The Hollow Men" ends this way: Here we go round the prickly pear
Prickly pear prickly pear
Here we go round the prickly pear
At five o�clock in the morning.

Between the idea
And the reality
Between the motion
And the act
Falls the Shadow
For Thine is the Kingdom

Between the conception
And the creation
Between the emotion
And the response
Falls the Shadow
Life is very long

Between the desire
And the spasm
Between the potency
And the existence
Between the essence
And the descent
Falls the Shadow
For Thine is the Kingdom

For Thine is
Life is
For Thine is the

This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world endsNot with a bang but a whimper.

(There should not be an extra space between the last two lines, but, spacing is pretty non-negotiable here.)

Right in the very middle is a line that sums up the root of despair: Life is very long. In the worst of it, you feel like life, which has come to equate suffering--not a manageable Buddhist suffering, but the heart-soaked, nauseated, gray-flattened hopelessness of depression--is to be waited out. The days become longer and the nights longer still.
During the worst of these times I find myself repeating three lines from "Waiting for Godot."

I can't go on.
You must go on.
I'll go on.

There have been days when I've repteated this over and over to myself when other thoughts would be more dangerous. Still, there is little comfort in them. How long must I endure? Must I go on and on living this long, long life, until at last there is relief? And why? To avoid paining my mother and siblings?
Why must I go on?

To call depression "the shadow" is almost too cliche to endure, but I'll use it here in reference to Eliot's poem. In my own life, I can see how often that shadow has interfered, just at that in-between point, its inertia cutting loose the reality, the response, the spasm, and setting them adrift. Follow-through is more than just a challenge for me. It's more like there's an interminable shadow between the conception and the creation that takes away whatever pleasure I was anticipating. Completion, fulfillment becomes impossible because the fulfilling task becomes a burden. One more ball not to drop, but not to drop only because I don't want to be a ball-dropper, not because the ball in itself holds any intrinsic value for me. Forgive my furthering the sexual analogy, but its like that dysfunction wherein a woman is unable to reach orgasm, but keeps going because she feels she ought to, always for her partner's satisfaction. But, of course, there's no real "partner" here, just societal norms and a set of standards I've accepted from various other groups (family being the most prominent, of course). Still, I go on.

As I've discussed frequently here, I'm planning on being back in school by next fall, at long last. This is a long-anticipated event. I dropped out almost five years ago now and have been waiting with baited breath for this opportunity ever since. But the closer I get, the more genuinely concerned I am that once I get there, it will lose its appeal and I'll stick with it only because I know I have to. Perhaps that's the way it is for many students and I think I can handle that for the year it will take me to finish. But I suspect I'll have to fight the same phenomenon at every other stage of my career.
My sister says this is how life is: you go after what you want until you get it, then you go after the next thing. That's how it is for everyone, she says. I can't help thinking, though, that the wanting is more intense for others--at least, it used to be more intense for me. Now, nothing seems worth the effort. The alternate is doing nothing, which is miserable and embarrassing, not just miserable, so I might as well go forward. Perhaps I really will feel better once I'm doing something challenging and not just tasking for work.

"Waiting for Godot" is interminable, if you ask me. I've seen better and worse performances of it, but who wants to watch a play in which the characters can't wait for something else to happen? But that's life, isn't it? At least, that's sure how it seems to me these days. In "Godot," you know that once he arrives, once It happens, the world will be a better place and we'll all live fulfilled. But over the last six months or so, I've lost my faith in that. Not in God, per se, since that's not part of how I saw God to begin with, but I have no faith that things will ever get better--at least not better to the point that they're intrinsically rewarding in themselves. It makes me feel as though life is very long, indeed. Godot isn't coming, but we have to wait it out anyway, because to do otherwise would be blasphemy.

But blasphemy against whom? For Thine is the Kingdom

My heart is aching today. Thanksgiving was painful. Coming home was painful. Friendship seems false, a negotiation, right now. Where can I go in honesty when the world is seeking joy, and finding it? I don't want to spoil the party. I've learned to go on and fake it when I ought to do so. But right now things do seem awfully obligatory.

I think this is the secret of terminal illness: not that you suddenly appreciate everything that has ever happened to you and that you are filled with desire for more, but that there is an end. The turning of the seasons has a pattern and, more importantly, an end. Everyone can tolerate winter for a while. To me, what is disconcerting is that my seasonal depression sets in just as the crocuses are popping up.

For the moment, all I can do is hope against hope. Life is very long, but ll I can do is keep going. I must go on.
For Thine is
Life is
For Thine is the
Even if nothing changes, one has an obligation. One must. One must wait.

The joy of the Lord

Brother Dan — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 22:50:09 GMT

I took off some time last weekend, inspired by my friend Ray's observation that I needed a retreat, I squirreled myself away at my new home in Chelsea, Quebec, didn't use the phone much, did some writing, rested in God's presence (reverie), and puttered away at a couple of minor renovation projects. Midway through the day Saturday, after a good night's sleep followed by measuring and remeasuring stairwells for the two trap doors I was going to build, I was on my way to the French version of Home Depot, when unaccountably I found myself overcome with joy, a contented state of gratitude just settled over me. It was quite palpable, but as I had done nothing to stimulate it left me scratching my head a bit, as content as I was to have been graced by the Lord's presence and blessing in the midst of my quiet day serving friends.

This morning my brother Karl shared with me what the Spirit had said through the people gathered at "The Meeting Place," something that started up more than a year ago, some time after he was led to leave his Pentecostal church. God asked two questions: the first felt similar to when Jesus asked his disciples, "Who do you say that I am" in that it was "Who do you say that Jesus is, based on your own experience"; the second was "what is the joy of the Lord to you?"

What evolved from everyone's answers to these questions, and from my discussion with Karl, was this strong sense that we each have our unique relationships with God, our own experiences of Jesus or the Divine. When we experience the joy of the Lord or the peace that passes understanding we are experiencing more than our natural feelings, we are experiencing our unique relationship with God. Thus the joy of the Lord or the peace that passes understanding will be different for each one of us and foundationally linked to our most significant experiences with God. Each time we experience the joy of the Lord or the peace that passes understanding, the solidity and reality of our relationship to God is strengthened and extended; we know what we know, we know who we love and who loves us, we are established in a relationship which cannot be shaken, whatever storms may come: As the Spirit said through some present at the meeting place, our unique experiences of God form the foundation or the Rock on which we each individually stand.

I was again impressed and grateful that the Spirit was working the same themes in myself as with Karl and the others at the meeting place. I really experienced how the joy of the Lord is my strength, as my experience of being surprised by joy kept me going on a day which from a worldly perspective would have been lonely drudgery. Then again this morning as I was washing dishes, I was again overcome with this wave of gratitude and happiness brimming with tears as I realized how much God was in the little things of life like ensuring my nephew and his wife could use my van for shopping each week. I feel so blessed by these little "joy bursts" and believe that in my own experience I am coming to understand the meaning of "the joy of the Lord" and "the peace that passes understanding."

Anyone else able to relate?

It's all about ME

Brother Dan — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 16:22:00 GMT

So what is being spiritual, what is being on the path, and how is this different from religion?
I am so fed up with an awfully strong theme in western spirituality, an incredibly strong focus on "me," "my comfort," "my suffering," "my happiness" -- "ME" for short. I tell you the consumerist poison has tainted our very souls. Look at any spiritual teacher across the ages, any founder of a faith or a religious community, and nowhere will you find this toxic focus on ME. And yet we spiritual seekers, who might even claim to be on a path, need to look at how easily we criticize and differentiate ourselves from, those whom we deem to be religious. I tell you, that in my decades of traversing this planet in the company of spiritual and religious people of many faiths, that I believe there are more saints, more devout souls amongst the religious than amongst the self-obsessed western spiritual seekers.
Being on a path is about following - it's not about finding our way through the wilderness, it's about following people who've gone before us who in their example, witness, words and divine grace, convince us that we can get where we're going if we follow them. But mix in some consumerist poison and you then get people who shop around not only for teachers, but for sayings, songs, anything that inspires with which they can build their own little spiritual nest. These people end up simply constructing their own little illusory nest, their own little spiritual version of what this world offers. Being on the path cannot be equated with feathering your nest! Being on the path is about journey, about quest, and about commitment. While most of us, if not all of us, need a moment, a time in life, where our own healing and refining becomes a central agenda, in general, being on a path is about self-transcendence and about giving yourself away in love.
As I see it, religious people and western spiritual people can together be separated into two groups: those who are in it for ME, and those who are truly devoted, truly surrendered, truly giving themselves away.

projection, illusion, relationships and getting real

Brother Dan — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 19:34:19 GMT

On seeing someone coming into our lives, especially when we're looking for that special someone, I can just hear someone say, "Is that you dear?", "Oh, I believe it is, it really, really is!": and so starts another trip down the illusion/disillusionment path that sometimes leaves us with an enduring loving relationship, perhaps increasingly stripped of illusions, and if so with the resulting reality-based relationship becoming an increasingly GOOD place to live. On the other hand it can become, "Tell me it ain't sooooo!" as the last of our illusions are shattered. The Eurythmics song comes to mind, Annie Lennox singing, "Sweet dreams are made of these, who am I to disagree, travelled the world and the seven seas, everybody's looking for something: Some of them want to use you, some of them to be used by you, some of them want to abuse you, some of them want to be abused." This note is for those who wish to journey out of illusion to the reality of LOVE.

My former teacher, His Holiness Sri Sri Ravi Shankar, the man whom I still respect most of those walking our planet today, helped us get the mechanics of illusion with this simple example: if one is sipping a dark, sweetened coffee, and pauses for a bite of a Gulab Jamon (very sweet Indian dessert), when returning to the coffee for another sip one finds it now tastes quite bitter. This coffee didn't change but our perception was conditioned resulting in a different experience of the coffee. This simple example opens one's eyes to just how conditioned our perception is of everything and everyone. We simply do not SEE what is front of us, but how we've come to evaluate it, appreciate it, etc., is all wrapped up in our perception of it. Thus many people are afraid of spiders while others will tolerate them in the house, or even keep them as pets. The mechanics or how we perceive or not and interact or not with our world become more complex when we approach emotionally charged areas like significant relationships. Here the uniqueness of our being, based in everything from our mixed genes to our unique formative experiences, leads to idiosyncratically affected and structured relationships. And it is just here we need to come if we are to understand the dynamics of projection and illusion as they affect the reality-basis of our relationship with God.

Of course some will protest that we do not have a sensorial or "reality" basis for such a "relationship," therefore it must be some "nothing but" mixture of projections and religious traditions (based also of course based on culturally consonant projections). It is so easy to sound clever when reducing spirituality to this or that genetic, neurological or other psycho-social explanation. We who've walked with spiritual masters or who've known the power and inspiration of the Holy Spirit, or the overwhelming awe of our Creator's presence, are not troubled by these facile correlative reductions: after all, we know that human beings are "nothing but" pre-programmed gene carriers blindly ensuring their continuation and propagation, don't we? Balderdash! The harder scientistic believers try to reduce the mystery of creation and human existence to some new scientific paradigm hovering at the edge of our ability to know, the closer we become to the machines we have created, at least in our own imagination.

The one in whom we live and move and have our being has said, in Isaiah 49:15-16:

Can a mother forget the baby at her breast
and have no compassion on the child she has borne?
Though she may forget,
I will not forget you! See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands;
your walls are ever before me.

But then in the prophesies of a new covenant, and then in Jesus' invitation to enter the kingdom as a very small child, we have our creator reaching out to us as individual's with the same doting parent's love: we are each carved in the palms of our God's hand.

Back to reality I can hear the scientistic shouting, and so I say, how do we know that a human being really loves us? We have no clue really, despite our impressive discoveries of synaptic brain functioning, and the chemical basis of intrabody communication, we still have no clue really to scientifically prove that someone loves us. No, we begin by blundering about in our illusory perception which ignores some things, exaggerates and and simply adds in missing pieces as we reconstruct our "special someone." Over time we correct our apprehension of their physical cues, reading their eyes, faces and bodies for confirmation or enrichment of the words they say. But we don't really know, except perhaps at some deep intuitive level that we often won't even access because we prefer our illusions.

Well walking and growing in a loving relationship with God is also supported by many cues, especially when we've begun to digest statements like Isaiah 55: 6-11:

Seek the LORD while he may be found;
call on him while he is near. Let the wicked forsake his way
and the evil man his thoughts.
Let him turn to the LORD, and he will have mercy on him,
and to our God, for he will freely pardon. "For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,"
declares the LORD. "As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts. As the rain and the snow
come down from heaven,
and do not return to it
without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater, so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.

The one in whom we live and move and have our being will always welcome us, when we turn from the limitations of our conditioning, from our selfish behaviour, and seek our loving parent with all our heart. But we do so knowing that the way we've been conditioned to think, feel and believe is not God's way, but that working in our hearts, his spirit, through his word, and through the hearts and words of those around us, through synchronicities or God incidences, through dreams and visions, guides us into all truth, that is at least when that is our deepest heart's desire. We are surrounded, enfolded in loving care, and simply trusting ourselves to her/his protection, guidance and refining fire we find ourselves practising the presence of God in our daily walk. As we do so we become less and less citizens of this world, and more and more children of our creator, citizens of a heavenly kingdom here on earth.

The proof is in the pudding, it is in the shining lights of those who are totally devoted to God/Divine as they have come to know her/him, and who are being transformed from glory unto glory, it is those who show the way to this most real of all relationships: they do so in their actions, in their being, and in the love they have for one another, for those who know each other to be on the path of total devotion, of walking in the spirit, of the enlightenment path.

A good question and its answer

Brother Dan — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 04:19:10 GMT

My beliefnet friend Mel responded to my posting of "Our identity as inspired by Rumi, Hafiz and Jean Vanier" with the following:

So beautiful. And as I'm about to type, I am stuck with a question I truly don't know the answer to-- so I'd like to hear your answer. We are cautioned in many religions to avoid lust, covetous behavior, gluttony... Is it possible to get addicted to salvation then? Is it wrong to let yourself get caught up in feeling the oneness that you abandon all earthly worries, including that of your fellow man? Or is that 'bliss', 'rapture', 'nirvana', 'salvation' what we are really seeking?

I had a response as well from "M:" "Nirvana can only be reached when one leaves all of earthly possessions and all that is man made Bliss and all wants and all that is materialistic.. in the end it will be love that will survive."

My response follows:

Thank you Mel for a great question, and thank you M and Mel for your supportive comments! There is only one earth, one human race, one divine reality/creator and yet we are blessed with the diversity of our unique insights and experiences, as contained within one or more of the diverse traditions that support our path. Buddha and Jesus are in complete agreement about the total renunciation of every worldly and selfish desire as the necessary precondition to breaking out of our illusory, human constructs, and into the infinite in which we live and move and have our being. Nonetheless, Mel, your question is a most helpful question.

I have two different avenues to pursue in answering it. First, as M so aptly put it, LOVE is what survives all else, and becoming LOVE involves a total unreserved gift of oneself to God/Universe/Divine - whatever limited human words represent for you that which gives us life and tenderly holds us, sending us back into the world as LOVE to love. There are as many unique paths to total immersion and commitment to this LOVE as there are souls on this planet, but the one of which I write is the ecstatic, the mystical, the spirit-filled, the experiential path: it is one of great joy and yet great suffering. Usually those who find themselves on this path already have experienced great suffering, and thus could not be satisfied with the illusions of this world, petty politics, etc. So while the rush of ecstasy is more powerful than any drug trip, the joy of ecstasy the joy of the greatest falling in love imaginable, the peace of ecstasy the peace of the most satisfying LOVE, yet the relationship that gives rise to this ecstasy is not an addictive relationship. Rather, it only costs us our life, and everything we previously held dear! Now of course, there are many who chase the experiences: these are the "bliss ninnies" those how are so heavenly minded that they are no earthly good." But one who has given her/himself away, while being graced with joy, peace and love at different times, will also have many travails, much suffering, for it is no small thing to be refined and transformed from a citizen of this world, to one in whom LOVE shines through, and everything we say and do is powered by and constrained by LOVE. This then is the second avenue you opened with your question. While LOVE calls us out of the world to rediscover who we really are; once we've woken up, there is much to do in finishing the transformation; and, we're sent back into the world to shine, to BE and to LOVE.

Our identity as inspired by Rumi, Hafiz and Jean Vanier

Brother Dan — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 13:56:49 GMT

Our identity as inspired by Rumi, Hafiz and Jean Vanier
In this time of dying to self, of having my ego-supports (worldly identity) stripped away, I was grateful to again be blessed by the Spirit with the reminder of who I am as found in Rumi, Hafiz and Jean Vanier. What I will be citing were the simply the next pieces to be read, as so often happens with the expert synchronous staging of the Holy Spirit. First from Rumi - the call and the response! :)

I am Life itself

You have been a prisoner
of a little pond
I am the ocean
and its turbulent flood
Come merge with me
Leave this world of ignorance.

Be with me
I will open
the gate to your love

Who could refuse such an invitation, and yet it is always and everywhere on offer! But we prefer our comfy or at least familiar little prisons, don't we? Who's ready to drop everything and jump into the unending ocean that God is, to get lost in the one in whom we live and move and have our being?! :) I AM!

Defeated by Love

The sky was lit
by the splendor of the moon
So powerful
I fell to the ground

Your love
has made me sure

I am ready to forsake
this worldly life
and surrender
to the magnificence
of your Being.

Always and everywhere LOVE is waiting to overwhelm us, to draw us away from all that we consider important: careers, reputation, all those things we've fought so hard to achieve for ourselves and for others. Jesus called zealots to follow him and they did. Like them are we willing to drop everything in order to simply walk with him, be like him. In every skyscape, in every breath, LOVE is poised to wake us up to what really matters, who really matters . . .

But first we have to find our own hunger for this new life. Listen to Hafiz:

THE SCENT OF LIGHT

Like a great starving beast
My body is quivering
Fixed
On the scent
Of
Light.

But until we realize that in fact our nest, our place in the world, our possessions, investments and security are of this world, are what keep us blinded to what is and who we really are, then this great hunger that we are will be numbed out by this and that delectable object, fantasy, or experience; this or that distraction; this or that worldly-derived and selfishly-chosen priority. But yet, when we can surrender, can truly let go, then harmony and peace break out.

NO CONFLICT

No
Conflict
When the flute is playing
For then I see every movement emanates
From God's
Holy
Dance.

Hafiz and Rumi so many centuries ago experienced what Jesus experienced, what so many enlightened masters have experienced, and that is the oneness of reality vs. the fragmented and fragmenting illusions of this world. Listen to Jean Vanier's commentary on John (p 113):

Jesus tries to explain and reveal his oneness with God.
He is not taking the place of God; he is not in opposition to God.
There are not two Gods.
He is in communion with God,
The Beloved Son of God
Who does everything the Father wants him to do.
They accomplish everything together; all life flows from them:

Truly, truly, I tell you,
the Son can do nothing on his own,
but only what he sees the Father doing;
for whatever the Father does, the Son does likewise.
The Father loves the Son and
shows him all that he himself is doing.

I can do nothing on my own.
As I hear, I judge and my judgment is just
because I seek to do not my own will
but the will of the one who sent me.

Jesus has no identity separate from the Father.
His very existence is communion with the Father.
He cannot be separated from the Father
For He is one with the Father.
The Father and the Son are in a unity of love and light.
In this unity, they are source of all life and all creation.

This Jesus was a man like us, emptied of his divinity, experiencing our life. He achieved such a God-consciousness through his total surrender to the Father, being born of the Spirit again like a little infant, so that he could as an adult learn to walk in the world as created by God, as filled by God's presence and power, guided by God and full of God's point of view on everything. This was what he taught his disciples; through his relationships with them he showed them our creator, he showed them selfless surrender, he showed them living from the "God's eye point of view," he showed them not being trapped in human systems of understanding, politics or popularity. He came that we too could be like him, and he calls us today to this same total devotion, this same total surrender, this same loving transformation into one of his brothers and sisters, one who with him can say "I AM." Come and follow Jesus, drop everything and come! You will discover your hunger, you will be taken to heights of ecstasy you could not have imagined, you will be transformed from glory unto glory, you will be a light to all those who are hungry, thirsty, broken and seeking healing, imprisoned, etc. Come! . . .

Grace and blessings,

Your brother Dan

Avenues off of the path

Brother Dan — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 05:19:21 GMT

MessageI've come to realize recently, paying close attention to how I'm feeling and naturally reacting to situations with women, that I in fact have a wife sized hole in my chest. I find myself leaning towards domesticity when I'm sharing the kitchen with a female roomate, or, simply finding myself wondering about compatibility of a female friend of mine, not simply leaving things in the friendship and walking in the Spirit space. This is my latest discovery of how I start off of the path, whenever the opportunity to do so arises, the path being walking in the Spirit. Of course becoming conscious of doing this then changes whether in fact I'm ending up off of the path or not, but this reflection on my own experiences has led to the following thoughts on "Avenues off of the Path."

Avenues off the path
It's the "I liked that," or "I like that" followed by the "I want to have that again" followed by the forming of intention and plans around getting it again: this is one avenue off of the surrendered path. Another is, "I need this," without this I . . . " and whatever the words that currently express our nameless dread, the hovering anxiety, whatever it is that in our experience and conditioning prevents us from being relaxed in our creator's embrace: supported, maintained, held, loved, protected and being given more than we could ask for, or imagine. Each of these avenues is uniquely fashioned, well worn, and adorned with neon signs advertising our happiness solutions, TV/movie screens to get happily lost in, etc., as we go willy-nilly tumbling down the yellow brick road -- each brick a memory of choice/action/reaction that reaffirmed and extended our familiar avenue of worldly enchantment that yet in the end leads nowhere worthwhile.

Those of us who have woken up have in our own unique way realized that "all we have to do is surrender and die:" becoming infants again in our loving creator parent's care, following the one who demonstrated the grace of God in living flesh, the self-sacrificial and compassionate life. Once we've had the realization, that with Jesus, or with our enlightened master, or immersed in the one in whom we live and move and have our being, that we naturally say "I AM", we realize that we are leaving the world of illusions behind, and that we have a new white winding path to follow, on which we are led by the one of whom we neither know from when or to where it is taking us, but that each of our action/decision/responses to what the Spirit and others bring us extends our awareness of this new way of walking. As our new horizon is thus expanded, we realize just how much we don't know: no longer surrounded by illusions that comforted us with our own importance, our insulation from danger, our carefully feathered nests that blocked out reality, we instead see the ever-expanding horizon of the known unknown stretching infinitely out in all directions.

Of course, having spent so many years on our yellow brick road(s) that we once believed led to fulfillment, security, love, happiness, etc., when the going gets rough on our new white winding path, we sometimes step back onto the yellow one. But now we can never truly be comfortable there as we know it is a construct, that any security offered is false, and that our source for everything is our creator. And so, more and more, we wake up to the ways we step off, and thus see more of our new white path under our feet and stretching out before and behind us! It is slow, but infinitely rewarding work.

On this white winding path we wander as infants, toddlers, holding our creator's finger. We have no cares, for whatever we need is given us, even if sometimes this or that event scares or hurts, it's all within the comforting, protecting, reassuring, strengthening presence of our all-powerful parent. And so we gain strength, are fashioned and refashioned by the living fire of LOVE, filled to overflowing with the living waters of LOVE, and nourished and guided by the living word of LOVE, leading us into all truth. And even if we know that we will always ONLY know in part, prophesy in part, we also know that as surrendered to our creator, wonderful things can and will happen in and through us, as we wander up our unique white winding paths.

So too those who are wandering in the Spirit, who have turned away from the world's allure, who are resting in God rather than questing after personal happiness, to those I say, keep expanding your white and winding path, keep surrendering, and may our creator continue his/her loving, refining, transformative work in you until you are raised from glory to glory, drawing many to the light that beams from you and your actions.

Grace and peace,

Your brother

gratitude, ecstacy and suffering

Brother Dan — Tue, 04 Nov 2008 14:10:59 GMT

I am so grateful, I am so blessed, I am held, provided for, guided, along for the ride, one which I have freely chosen, but the longer I drift impelled by the breath of the Spirit, the more it seems to me that this was always the way it was meant to be for me. There is a tremendous being at home that comes from the creeping realization of being so surrounded, so founded, so grounded, and so many times delightfully astounded by the Holy Meddling that is the Spirit's MO. Where could I go to escape this Meddlesome Majesty, so gentle, so quiet, SOOO INEXORABLY PRESENT in everything, everywhere. We wander around in our quaint, impoverished little illusions of self-control, worldly identity (I'm a somebody!), undoubtedly too great or too small in our own estimation: either we think we really are a somebody (and thus don't have a CLUE about what REALLY matters) or equally pernicious, or should I say, sad, we go around feeling small and powerless, because we have yet to REALIZE just WHO is calling the shots, WHO is leading the team, WHO is orchestrating things in the divine chaos that reality is, WHO has chosen us and is waiting to transform and fill us to miraculous effect! Yet we continue to establish order within our discordant, jumbled cacaphonies of our own creation, happier in this human muddle than dealing with the chaos of REALITY and HIM/HERSELF which will never be containable in human system of understanding.

I am so inspired today, so grateful, and seeing perhaps more clearly, because some Divine order has emerged, at least briefly, and as one merely human, i get grateful easily when something finally works! :) My lover, her meddlesome majesty, the one in whom we live and move and have our being, gifted this bankrupt (in the wordly sense), workfare recipient with a van, a $4,000 carpet cleaning machine along with acutrements, training to use it, etc., and a first professional cleaning job that included repairing a carpet, getting wax and stains out of carpets and cleaing thousands of feet of carpet and steam cleaning twenty chairs. It was a big job, with a world-class result, so supported by grace, and, our client, Good Shepherd Roman Catholic Church in Orleans, is now our reference client, and our repeat business client, and, thus Brother Daniel's Green Cleaning Company is becoming a real citizen in our business world. The connective tissues and blessings extend in many directions: the channel of grace for the cleaning machine is a senior carpet cleaning professional who happens to be a devout Jehovah's Witness; and my soccer buddy, who was my main man for running said machine, happens to also be a Jehovah's Witness from the same church - nice to see them rediscovering each other through these blessed, meddlesome set-ups. Good Shepherd came up again yesterday, it not being enough that I'm getting established with them as Brother Daniel's cleaning, but one of our St. Cecilia's Singers is talking to them about us doing a concert in their building: Oh yes, and the newest arrival at my former home of 255 Mackay St. (may continue to be so on paper for a little while longer) came along for the cleaning job, and is quite capable of, and willing to, run this business for me if I disappear to Africa this winter. Finally, the gifting of the van comes through the fact that I've moved in with my dear New Age Shamanic friends, Marie and Jan. To this day, and many times over the last decade or more, the warmest sense of kinship, and best guidance has often come through them. Oh Meddlesome Master - I don't get all these connections just yet, but I'm impressed and happy to be along for the ride.

Needless perhaps to say, but, I've been riding waves of gratitude with touches of ecstacy as I realize here and there just how well orchestrated things are. And yet, with a flick of that Meddlesome little finger, I'm plunged right into a context that stirs up suffering, as my healing/refining continues. Maybe it's a lovely long soujourn with Lynn, my favourite "wife/lover substitute" as in preferred object for receiving those projections who faithfully refuses to wear them, yet keeps teasing me enough with this or that hint or nuance that I wake up and realize that yet again my old pattern is in play: patiently enduring a relationship not being what I need as I nurture it into perhaps one day being what I need! EWH!!! I've had enough of that one! Finally, maybe, I've fallen into that pattern of behaviour and thinking for the last time - it feels like it, but boy was it miserable when I realized I was doing it again. At least this time i could wake up, give myself a shake and get back to who I AM, not who I once was. Or, again, come into a situation with different kinds of female possibilities and tensions present, blissfully unaware of how I was entering until disappointing realities woke me up. But again, this time, rather than simply getting dishearted or depressed, it was, "hmmm, if I had come into this place centred, knowing who I AM, and open to what YOU are doing, and how those two are really ONE, then when I met my female friends, I would've been more in the observer, intuitive position rather than playfully doing what came naturally, but driven by self satisfaction more than anything else.

So this morning, after opportunities for reflection, including a long relaxed time in the I AM, love YOU space, a reverie with people and situations drifting in and out without much focus, I felt moved to turn to Hafiz - through whom came the final spin of this rumination on gratitude, ecstacy and suffering:

HIS WINTER CROP

I have
Seen you heal
A hundred deep wounds with one glance
From Your spectacular eyes,

While your hands, beneath the table,
Pour large bags of salt into the heart-gashes
Of your most loyal servants.

Dear world, I can offer
An intelligent explanation
For our suffering,
But I hope it really makes sense
To no one here,
And come morning,
You are again at God's door
With ax and pickets,
Eloquent petitions and complaints.

Think of suffering as being washed,
That is to say,
Hafiz, you are often completely soaked
And dripping.

The only advantage I can see in this
In the Friend's long-range plan
Is that when the Beloved bursts
Into ecstatic flames

This whole world will not turn into
A bright oil wick all at once,
Then divine ash,
And ruin His

Winter
Crop.

I so get this on so many levels: When one has realized just how great, how wonderful, how powerful, how full of love is our creator, then superlatives like 100 deep wounds healed at one glance come easily - S/He's capable of this and so much more! :)

Yet those of us who hear Jesus' call, who are drawn onto a path of self-transcendence and self-renunciation, are drawn into a path of suffering that sometimes, as in the case of St. Theresa, can be dark and lonely for a long time. For the ecstatic lover of the one in whom we live and move and have our being, such suffering grounds us, so that we neither become "bliss ninnies" so that all we do is chase ecstatic experiences, nor do we burn so brightly that we are consumed on the spot. Rather, the refining fire, is one that purifies as it burns, but leaves purer and purer gold behind each time it is finished. This of course is not the self-annihilation of Nirvana, of disappearing forever into the Divine reality that WE ARE as those who are one with our creator, but rather, our suffering, our continued releasing of this and that conditioning, behaviour, way of thinking and feeling, is instead a turning again and again into the embrace of the living fire that warms, melts, burns away and purifies all that we surrender to her fiery embrace! :)

two insights

Brother Dan — Fri, 31 Oct 2008 12:57:07 GMT

The lessons are tumbling in now, I continue to feel gooey - as in everything now sticks to me, needs to be taken in and considered; nothing gets initially rejected. Let me explain: First I'm going to start with an email I wrote to my friend the poet, for whom God and ourselves are one. I had been actively taking him on on this one over the last few weeks. So here's what I sent him yesterday after my conversation with Ray. I wrote this in response to his response to my chrysalis posting, that he was honoured to included on my list:

My friend, I also am honoured by your sharing of yourself and God in your poetry. your humble but strong statement of that which you have come to know as truth does you -- does the God we all could wake up to be -- great credit. I see now that the people God has seen fit to give to me are in fact those through whom he could continue to teach me, as well of course as those who could receive grace through me. At this moment today, I'm very grateful to you, to Ray and to a friend I have online who will remain nameless. Finally, after turning towards you to directly engage on that which I resisted, could not grasp or agree with, my
friend Ray read to me a story of a group of enlightened beings from the 17th century in India history. They were all working class, one of whom was such a friend of God, loved his company, that he couldn't hear God saying to him, "there is more." Finally one of the others was inspired to go around tapping on heads, and as he did so, "this one is fully baked" was what he proclaimed. But when he got to our devotee, Tukaram, he stepped
back in shock - oh, this one is only partially baked, much to the horror and embarrassment of God's devotee who rushed out in tears demanding of God why he was considered partially baked. God gently said to him, "I told you there was more!" and then sent him to see a great master, at whose feet he would become fully enlightened. When he got there, the master was in fact a dirty, disheveled, slovenly, fat guy who laid on the ground and had his feet resting on Shiva's Lingam (sacred phallus statue). He was horrified and rushed over scolding and took the man's feet off the statue. But as soon as he put his feet down somewhere else a Lingam emerged from the ground under his feet and again supported his feet. He did this many times before he finally gave up as the Master explained that wherever his feet were they were on God. In the east the feet are the lowest part of the body, and the appropriate place for a devotee to touch his/her guru, and yet also the holiest. So he bowed his head at the feet of this master, who reached over and gently touched him, instantly freeing him into total liberation.

The "more" in this story is that beyond relationship with Abba is oneness with God, merging with God. This is in fact quite clearly stated in the Gospel of John, for Jesus repeatedly says that he and the Father are on. God said to me, that I didn't need any further "realizations" that all that I AM was already inside me and still unfolding. I tell you it's gooey in here! Perhaps I came into the chrysalis in relationship, and will emerge as I AM, one with God. It's no wonder they wanted to kill Jesus! But teachers from the east would've understood right away.

Thank you again for the honouring me with your friendship, warming my heart with your smiles, laughter and humour, and from time to inspiring me and others with the poetry you allow to pour through you! :)

Your brother Dan . . .

The final word from the Holy Spirit on the first insight came late last night from Hafiz:

THIS TALKING RAG

It
Was all
So clear this morning,

My mind and heart had never felt
More convinced:

There is only God,
A Great Wild
God.

But somehow I got yanked from
That annihilating
Realization

And can now appear again
As this wine-stained
Talking

Rag.

This is in fact a lovely seguay into the second insight, for in the conversation I'm about to discuss from last evening, one of the major talking points was that life with Jesus, while he was here, was a party. He and his disciples did not fast, it was the bridegroom and his friends the whole time, never mind his first miracle which kept a well-lubricated wedding celebration going a few days past the number of days that had already been spent. I too find this life is a party theme as I relax with those who walk with me, as we "walk" together, it's often over beer, wine, a meal, etc. In these convivial surroundings is much of the Spirit's work done! :) This is what i shared with my Law-focused disciple friend, who was disappointed with him/herself's fasting efforts lately. As my brother said, there is a time for fasting, and that's when the Spirit leads you into fasting. When you are led to fast you are also given the strength to fast, and the grace to benefit from the experience.

The second insight then that came from this same experience was my realization that in a number of my relationships with "the chosen" or those who are VERY committed to being transformed from glory unto glory, that they each have unique insights into God, themselves and the world. It is part of my gifting/calling to be able to incoporate these insights into my own walk, and, I suppose support them in being able to so do.Some people believe that being one, as my father and I are one, means following the same rules, even wearing the same clothing, but for me it is this open-hearted walk with those walking with him, that binds us all together by the power of the spirit, being used in transforming each other as we grow from glory unto glory. Anyhow, last evening I was talking to another friend of mine, M. who has spent many years living in discipleship communities, and is a lover of the Law, but suffers from low self esteem. In giving this one with whom I walk some exercises to turn the focus off of how well s/he was measuring up to purity standards, instead to how much s/he was loved by God. The response that came back was, "I believe God will use me to teach you something about the "spirit of the Law", as Jesus was the fulfillment of the Law. Now, I've learned that despite obvious issues that need addressing on this disciple's part, to be open-hearted and look forward to what in fact I will learn! :)

In(to) the Chryalis

Brother Dan — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 13:40:45 GMT

A spirit-filled (pentecostal spirituality) minister once included in his sermon the symbol and explanation of the caterpillar, chrysalis and butterfly. What was new for me in his elaboration of this traditional symbol was the fact that the caterpillar dissolves into goo before it reforms into a butterfly. I really liked it, but as I suspect, with most people, appreciated it at an intellectual level, perhaps reinforcing the death of the old self, life of the new self in a new way. I certainly had no experiential resonance with it, as much as I liked it. No that had to wait until today. When I first heard it I assumed that the caterpillar went to sleep and awoke as a butterfly. Now I'm not so sure, based on my experience, I can imagine it saying, "Hey, what happened to my arms? Man, I can't even stretch anymore!"

Last night my friend L. pushed me over the edge down into the dissolving solution. She did it by simply asking about what was going on, and in the Diamond Heart way, following the feelings and the body sensations, staying away from intellectual content. As a "been there, done that" kind of guide, she helped me become more and more present to what REALLY was going on: my shoulder was throbbing more than seemed necessary, some pain emerged in my chest, then later in my forehead, and I admitted to feeling confused, lost, even hopeless. (When I say I, it's the observer self becoming aware of the feelings, so that I as the observer became more and more in touch, but not totally identified with this pervasive mood). L. is pretty good at holding my mother projection, so some of the feelings came out in statements directed at her, but we were able to stay clear about the complex intersections and overlaps between our "real" relationship, and what I was projecting. Finally, with her intent, guidance and providing a holding environment, I was able to relax into being confused, hopeless, weak, because of the damage sustained by what is perhaps my last remaining strong ego support - this teacher/ministering identity I had fashioned. I described to her the charge that comes from helping, the inspiration, the energy, the motivation, etc., but now having damaged my unselfconscious ability to go for this, I was dropped right back, waaayyyy back into this space which I came to realize what must be the space I was in during my initial period of being deprived of Mom's attention.

As I was writing this I suddenly had a thought go leaping across my consciousness: "Wow, imagine what a great healer I'll be after I come through this!" and my spirits started to lift in that direction. However, I just laughed, dropped the thought, and then felt a warm, quieter strength as I was more sure I could drop this kind of ego stuff now, and that a better path stretched ahead of me.

I'm closing now with the note I sent L. this morning.

I don't know if you're surprising yourself these days, but you're certainly delightfully surprising me. I'm very touched to have you taking the caring and supportive role with me, and quite grateful. I don't go around asking for help, neither do I expect to get any. In the world, as I learned to construct it, I was the helper, and through helping others my own comfort was supposed to come. So you L. are an important part of my healing and transformation, as you resolutely and stubbornly refuse to allow me (for long anyway) into the helper role, and instead now have taken the initiative to drive us down into the centre of my pain and confusion. Thank you so much for your love and support, for sticking to your guns, for trusting your intuition, and for hanging in there with me, in fact, chasing me to ground.

I realize now that I know nothing, that I am nothing, and that it's only in the lonely helplessness and hopelessness of this position that I can truly receive love, can finally be healed.

Last night, after we signed off, as soon as the phone hung up I internally switched right out of the space - needing again urgently to answer nature's call, having all the other things I was supposed to do come crowding into my mind. But, this is where my path, my walk, my commitment to God, to myself and to you came through, because as I came back upstairs from using the facilities, all that I had peace about doing was going to bed and continuing on in the space. As I lay there wondering how to get back into that space I remembered your focus on the body, and soon was back there again. I faded in and out for some time before I fell asleep.

I suppose I've now made it to being the goo in the chrysalis, or if I haven't quite made it, will be soon!

Thank you again my companion on my healing journey, on the my path. May the grace that sustains and heals me hold you tenderly in her arms!

Your brother Dan
PS. Don't be worried, I'm okay, in fact I'm right where God wants me to be.

experiences from a day or a few in my healing journey

Brother Dan — Wed, 22 Oct 2008 23:24:40 GMT

So sisters and brothers,
The journey continues, my journey that is, as graced by God's love and truth flowing to me through many of my friends.

I'm going to start with excerpts from a posting by an online friend. When I saw these postings many of them rang true within me, some as still very present, others as familiar from the not so distant past. I kept them intending to write about them and then forgot them till I found them today looking for something else to go with these reflections on my core need. And so we are here now together by the power of the Spirit. I have chosen to be completely transparent in all that I write, perhaps taking some risks, but surely giving glory to our Creator, and the power of his healing Spirit and grace in our lives:

For as long as you can remember, you have been a pleaser, depending on others to give you an identity. You need not look at that only in a negative way. You wanted to give your heart to others, and you did so quickly and easily. But now you are being asked to let go of all these self-made props and trust that God is enough for you. You must stop being a pleaser and reclaim your identity as a free self.

=================================

Try to keep your small, fearful self close to you. This is going to be a struggle, because you have to live for a while with the "not yet." Your deepest, truest self is not yet home. It quickly gets scared. Since your intimate self does not feel safe with you, it continues to look for others, especially those who offer it some real, though temporary, consolation. But when you become more childlike, it will no longer feel the need to dwell elsewhere. It will begin to look to YOU as home.

Be patient. When you feel lonely, stay with your loneliness. Avoid the temptation to let your fearful self run off. Let your loneliness teach you its wisdom; let it tell you that you can live instead of just surviving. Gradually you will become one, and you will find that [God] is living in your heart and offering you all you need.

====================================

When we become aware that we do not have to escape our pains, but that we can mobilize them into a common search for life, those very pains are transformed from expressions of despair into signs of hope.

=====================================

Let us not underestimate how hard it is to be compassionate. Compassion is hard because it requires the inner disposition to go with others to the place where they are weak, vulnerable, lonely, and broken. But this is not our spontaneous response to suffering. What we desire most is to do away with suffering by fleeing from it or finding a quick cure for it. As busy, active, relevant ministers, we want to earn our bread by making a real contribution. This means first and foremost doing something to show that our presence makes a difference. And so we ignore our greatest gift, which is our ability to enter into solidarity with those who suffer. Those who can sit in silence with their fellowman, not knowing what to say but knowing that they should be there, can bring new life in a dying heart. Those who are not afraid to hold a hand in gratitude, to shed tears in grief and to let a sigh of distress arise straight from the heart can break through paralyzing boundaries and witness the birth of a new fellowship, the fellowship of the broken.

=====================================

When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.

So then, my suffering friends, for we all suffer each in our own way, let me tell you about how God is "getting to me," to those ego structures that have to go. There have recently been rumblings on my horizon of "unknowing," rumblings about how invested I am in my teacher/evangelist/healer identity, but rumblings that so far I was still scratching my head over, seeing projection and other's issues more than my own.

But then today my good friend Derrick suddenly disclosed to me his own core issue, and then, looking surprised and saying aloud, "why am I telling you this," as a reflex action, perhaps to distract from his nakedness, whipped my coverings off of me leaving me naked with him. He did so by saying to me that my core issue was that I wanted everyone to love me, which if you dig slightly below that would read, I need a lot of reassurance that I am loveable. I immediately acknowledged his point, thought I heard him reducing my "ministering" activity to be nothing but driven by this need, which he immediately said was not his intention; and then continued a comfortable discussion around how transformation for me had meant a dramatic change point, after which everything was different, but the need to continue to uncover and heal these old habits of the heart, so to speak. I left that discussion feeling once again affirmed in just how far I've come, thank you God! :)

Well, it would appear not far enough, or at least I decided to take that approach when I got whacked over the head in my email from a woman, who although younger than I, I've come to greatly respect for her progress in consciousness, and her dogged determination to continue to walk forward in faith despite the amount of damage she sustained growing up. It's probably too simplistic a measure, but sometimes it seems the greater the suffering, the greater the potential for transcendence!

System space limits means that the rest is the reply.

It's Blog Action Day

Brother Dan — Wed, 15 Oct 2008 20:42:14 GMT

I invite you all to go to http://blogactionday.org/ and see how thousands and thousands of bloggers with an audience in the millions are speaking out against poverty, each in their own way.

Certainly in the vPraise community Arthra has been the one carrying most relevant messages on this theme with his posts on how Americans are getting concerned about going hungry as contrasted against his post on the obscenely fat cat executives of AIG and their post-bailout half million dollar treat for themselves.

Personally, I live way below the poverty line, on less than $1,000 per month. I do this consciously as a choice, having in the past made better than a $1,000 a day as a consultant. Now I walk in "worldly poverty" because I'm focused on things that matter such as the healing and liberation of suffering souls, and the calling and equipping of the chosen to the same walk, walking as Jesus and his apostles once walked.

Over our thanksgiving weekend, I became aware of a number of people living alone, working hard, also living around or below the poverty line; and sometimes their work was taking care of people in various institutions - people who are lonely and afflicted. I've also been keeping company with some men going through an addiction treatment program, seeing their struggle to get well, to be healed and become free. We are surrounded by suffering people needing support and love, and yet we are so often lost in our own issues, distractions, pleasures, etc.,

I leave with you Jesus' description of the final judgement for religious people, those who have tried to be good, but are not whole heartedly surrendered:

Matt 25:
The Sheep and the Goats

31"When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, he will sit on his throne in heavenly glory. 32All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate the people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. 33He will put the sheep on his right and the goats on his left.

34"Then the King will say to those on his right, 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. 35For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, 36I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.'
37"Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? 38When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? 39When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?'
40"The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'
41"Then he will say to those on his left, 'Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. 42For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, 43I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.'
44"They also will answer, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?'
45"He will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.' 46"Then they will go away to eternal punishment, but the righteous to eternal life."

So whether it's a sobering message that what matters to God is what we actually do in life, particularly towards those in practical need of God's love (and ours); or whether it's simply you waking up to what you already know but unevenly practice: as vPraisers, let's start putting our faith and love into action, as well as telling each other about it. You've probably all heard of the "random acts of kindness movement" -- it's quite beautiful and down the middle of what I'm suggesting. Let's start doing something - and let's talk about what we already do, or would like to do, whether individually or together.

looking for stories, commitments, and suggestions! :)

in vulnerability, in being "touched" does grace come through

Brother Dan — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 02:19:26 GMT

I am so grateful for Hafiz's many gifts, the craziness, the touch of our Lover's hand that caresses me through his words, reminds me who I am:

THE GREAT WORK

Love
Is the great work
Though every heart is first an
Apprentice

That slaves beneath the city of Light.

This wondrous trade,
This magnificent throne your soul
Is destined for --

You would not have to think
Much about it,

Is it not clear
An apprentice needs a teacher
Who himself

Has charmed the universe
To reveal its wonders inside his cup.

Happiness is the great work,
Though every heart must first become
A student

To one
Who really knows
About love.

And if I'm not already clearly "touched" by my sense of being one who is like Hafiz in his delight, and in his walking with those who are seeking; if that is not enough to make me in your minds certifiable, then listen to this!

EVERYWHERE

Running
Through the streets
Screaming,

Throwing rocks through windows,
Using my own head to ring
Great bells,

Pulling out my hair,
Tearing off my clothes,

Tying everything I own
To a stick,
And setting it on
Fire.

What else can Hafiz do tonight
To celebrate the madness,
The joy,

Of seeing God
Everywhere!

Such mad joy is much better than being depressed, although, depression is not something to be feared or avoided! But all this craziness is of course for a purpose, as is wonderfully elucidated, in perhaps a more accessible way, in Jean Vanier's gentle interpretation of Jesus' vulnerable and healing interaction with the women at the well, as told by John. (If I haven't yet recommended that you pick up a copy of Drawn into the Mystery of Jesus through the Gospel of John, consider it so
recommended.)

He tells us of how Jesus first approached this outcast of outcasts (a Samaritan woman who has had multiple husbands) as a beggar, as a thirsty man asking for a drink. He is soon offering her living water (full restoration of her relationship with God and being filled with life to share abundantly with others), and then gently touches her hidden wound, the reason she comes at noon for water, rather than in the morning when the rest of the women come (who shun her), in asking her to go get her husband. When she realizes that he knows everything about her, but still is there respecting and loving her in her brokenness, that she is then able to ask him about who is right and who is wrong, Jews or Samaritans. Jesus' answer takes her right back to relationship - those who worship in spirit and truth. Now full of enthusiasm and joy she runs to get everyone she knows, no longer the woman of shame, but the one charged with the good news, the one to whom Jesus revealed his secret divine name, "I AM." Our God works best through our vulnerability and it is right there that we are then filled, healed and sent. (pp. 89-100)

My readings were while on the bus on my way again to the Ethiopian Orthodox church. Again my friend failed to show, but I very much enjoyed the worship with no English sub-titles or prompts, joining in with the rhythmical devotional body and hand motions and the clapping, meditating during the sermon and being blessed with the attached icon.

The baby Jesus as our teacher, the vulnerability of God with us, even as an infant. The music, the body worship, the icon being given to me, all combined to deepen in inexpressible ways this sense of God's grace through vulnerability.

Finally in chatting that day with a friend, I vulnerably shared, as I have with you all, my depressive experiences resulting from the choice to drop ego supports, to be quieter, smaller and more vulnerable. As a result my friend opened up about exactly the same dynamic in their life, and to this point my friend had never gone deeply into what really mattered. Just as Jesus' vulnerability and self-disclosure with the woman at the well became the condition of her healing and liberation, so too did my vulnerable self-disclosure become the key for a deep sharing that became transformative for both of us in a number of ways.

And so my journey continues, sometimes gray, sometimes darker, sometimes gently, radiantly suffused with grace; I am content, and even when I am not, I AM, and thus I am patient with my feelings, with my young self as they catch up.

Grace and blessings to you and yours!

Your brother Dan

Attached Thumbnails

Dying to self, nothing is harder, nothing is worth more

Brother Dan — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 02:14:42 GMT

I'm definitely in the walking wounded category now: not only do I have a shoulder injury that hampers me in many ways, but somehow everything is turning to ashes in my mouth, as I'm being drawn irresistibly into a grave of my own making. Hafiz has been so helpful in this, and shortly I will share some of his poetry, but the fact is no matter how beautifully and artistically we describe it, it is as brutal as Jesus saying to Peter, "one day they will bind your hands and take you where you do not want to go." Peter's whole ministry after watching the bloody murder, resurrection and ascension of his teacher and Lord, was lived and walked in the knowledge of these prophetic words. Paul too, right in the middle of his success in Asia, turned, led by the Spirit, and began the journey towards his certain death in Rome. Being "in the world" but not "of the world" literally means that the world's pleasures, the world's motivations, everything we once (or still) cared about is gone or dropped. Dropping career, money, reputation, etc., was relatively easy since they had all been taken away from me anyhow as a result of my foolishness. I had nothing left to lose really, or so it felt. But now, this dying business is getting serious, as I'm being in the world, yet consistently turning away from its pleasures and rewards every time I find myself leaning towards them or appreciating them. And so, I find myself getting more and more unhappy, despite the many happy interludes of walking with people as they are transforming. But then I realize I'm attached to the positive outcomes of these encounters and relationships, building an ego based on being "a catalyst" or something, and so, again must turn away, and see these joys falling out of reach by own decision and the Spirit's prompting. Without realizing it I had grown to depend of these positive interactions, on the joy of seeing people changing, but in God's good time for his own reasons, more and more of these experiences are being removed from me. This is not because people are not still changing, but because my ability to enjoy them is being hampered by various kinds of natural distances, struggles on their parts, etc. And so, despite being so busy with people, I find myself alone; despite feeling close to God I find myself getting more and more unhappy. As my dear brother sings, "The time has come, the time has come to die. The time has come to lay down your life." My dear friend Hafiz:

EFFACEMENT

Effacement
Is a golden gun.
It was not easy to hold it against my head
And fire!

I needed great faith in my master
To suffocate myself
With his holy bag
Full of truth.

I needed great courage
To go out into the dark
Tracking God into the unknown.

And not panic or get lost
In all the startling new scents, sounds,
Sights,

Or lose my temper
Tripping on those scheming
Night and day around me.

Hafiz,
Effacement is the emerald dagger
You need to plunge

Deep into yourself upon
This path to divine
Recovery--

Upon this path
To God.

Just a couple of days ago, my friend Ray sent me this story about Swami Chidananda. Only after reading Hafiz, did it really click into place:
Once Swamiji was moving by train through North India. As usual, he did some Kirtan on the platform praying for the welfare of others and when the train began to move he got into his compartment. By that time some rich businessman had come in and having thrown out Swamiji's bed was comfortable on the berth allotted to Swamiji. Swamiji heard the man sarcastically telling Sri Ram Ratanji a devotee accompanying him, that somebody must have donated the first class fare to the Swami.

As the indignant Ram Ratanji was about to retort, Swamiji meekly said that the Sethji was correct and that, being a Sannyasi, he need not have the comfort of a cushion. So saying, he spread his bed on the floor by the side of the berth and lay down there. The unruffled contented manner in which Swamiji meekly forfeited his legal claim over the berth had immediate effect on the Sethji who came to know that he was dealing with an extraordinary person and repentantly begged Swamiji to excuse him and prayed him to come back to his berth. In such a situation anybody of lesser equanimity and humility would have demurred or made a scene. Swami Chidananda who had undergone total self-effacement did not think that there was any occasion to be vexed or agitated. And now there was again an exemplary gesture. When he saw that the Sethji was full of sincere remorse, instead of obstinately remaining on the floor he quietly went over to the berth without any fuss.

This is being in the world but not of the world, and it would seem the death that I am being called to accept, called to embrace. You see, there has continued to be quite a bit of ego in my "teacher" walk: and why not, as many very cool things have been happening. The fact is though that I'm missing the point entirely: it's not simply about sailing through life, high on what God is doing in and through me; it's about humbling myself before God that he may raise me up! It's about letting go of all ego needs, and instead being content with all he's given me, and expecting nothing from the world or anyone else. When I've learned to let go of everything, and to simply be with people without any need for attention, praise, etc., and yet am content, even serene in God's love for me, than God will have a vessel through which grace can really flow.

And so in a great deal of misery, I again surrender: it's what I must do, will do, and in the end, be content doing it. And someday I will hear him say, "Well done good and faithful servant. Enter into the rest prepared for you."